Now its been 42 years and even after 3 children all grown I cant say that I have ever been truly in love. I called her after 40 yeas later and she answered the phone and saying she live with her son (? ), stay close to your husband, dont put him on the back burner, have fun, be physical and loving, take nothing for granted. Grow up mate. All Rights Reserved. What matters to you? Maybe she wants change but not with you, with her life. I have asked my wife on several occasions to go to counseling and she refuses. As revenge, I told anybody and everybody what he did. (we all do) and you deserve romance and emotional connection . There are a few significant things that make a relationship with someone outside of a partner so enticing. Once suicidal too. but again, I cannot find the courage and the strength to tell her I want to leave her. Reddit, Inc. 2023. I agree with the others here that you need to set up a boundary for yourself. But then live a sad, mundane life together. But something about your list (of 10 sacrifices) has been bugging me since I read it. It might seem counter intuitive & its hard, but anything else (the false belief that you are providing happiness to someone and they are obligated to you in exchange for it) is a risky way to live in a marriage, and a set up for a whole lot of bitterness & anger when a partner doesnt live up to it. Once you have spent your cash, you are out of money. No note, no goodbye, nothing. If this new relationship is worth it, this new woman wIll wait until you are truly free. Before you make any big decision, its important to step back and look at this from a realistic perspective, beyond the fantasy and romantic idealization. We are set for life with investments. Stay Positive: Maintain a positive and optimistic attitude during your interactions. 6 signs you might be pushing away your adult children - Hella Life I told her I loved her five days after I met her. Privacy Policy. Well, I still have one and I use it to this day. We dont make vows stating anything about ensuring our partners happiness when we wed. There is a lot of judging going on in this thread. I can remember faces now but the context missing is problematic. Its an antiquated idea, that has not been revised for the changes in equality, the roles of women & the life expectancy of humans in the modern world. Use a Piggy Bank Then, you become more aware of its quirks and maintenance costs. And more and more, I see my life with my female friend and her family. No married couple should wait till you got tempted to have an affair or someone else is involve before a divorce. Im a changed man and promise to be a good husband. It turns out that the infatuation which he thought was the most amazing love of his life soon wore off. Another tactic is to discuss ways to save up for something really important like retirement. Its amazing that not one person making these comments, had said anything about God. At the beginning of summer we were holding hands and I was comfortable and felt we were in love. and I DO from the bottom of my heart. Make sure that you listen to her and make her feel heard and understood. I am facing a similar issue now. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, to have believed you found your true love and to move on. There is no equality in marriage, if you notice only one loves the other more. I am that other woman, who is in an affair with a married guy, he is 20 years older than me. You, the betrayer, may say things like I love you like a family member. If the marriage has a religious component, a good counselor will resist allowing religious guilt, shame, or fear to be used as a weapon in either direction. It occurred to me recently that she has cursed at me and verbally abused me every single day for that entire time. I am determined to be okay and not bitter. A man takes care of his family and finds joy in surmounting the challenges of mid-life. It still hurts and I get upset about it still. Im happier than Ive ever been many people (both friends and family) have remarked that I havent seemed so happy in years (meaning decades). I wish everyone a very happy, long life. She was fine with leftovers; he wanted to dine out all the time. I have been to her house on several occasions just to talk or watch a movie, and have even had a few meals with her. I AM in love with another woman and have been married 35 years. Be thankful that you have a woman who loves you. Hes not then a standup guy. I am amazed how judgmental and black and white people are. are you saying you swing or something like that? This woman showers him with expensive gifts, bought him a business with her and opened her home and introduced her impressionable children to him and we are not even legally separated. Over the course of our entire marriage we had an agreement that I would work and she would take care of the house and kids, I let her handle the finances and never questioned her decisions. I was very uncomfortable with that but I trusted my wife so I didnt make too big a deal about it. My wife in what I know has stayed faithful to me and for the life of me I dont understand why. Males want emotional and sexual satisfaction just like females, but they appear to value sexual variety far, far, far more than females do. We never got married because he always said we did not need a piece of paper to let him know he loved me. Give it your full attention. Thats nice and tidy. Why? And God forbid if she wouldve gotten pregnant then. Dont kid yourself that you havent thought/fantasied about it a lot. I come at this from the perspective of being the wife. Expecting your wife or even this new woman to help you live your life to the fullest is a cop-out. We have 3 children never said goodbye to them either. HOLLY. Go figure, So interesting reading all the different stories. The husband said Shes your problem now. I am married 8 years. To everyone out there who thinks its ok to leave a long term marriage, 20-30+ years its not ok. People say own your decision, then own it ! Living separately from me which is GOOD. How much time should a husband and wife spend together? - Alethia If Im hurting her now, what about all the times she hurt me in the past? After all the years that she dedicated to you, youre leaving her. To leave, was to head into an isolation Ive never known but also to the finest love of my life at the same time. Marriage is risky. But it was all undercover and didnt know she was back. She stays up quite late in the living room watching TV while I go to bed alone. This is only my second serious relationship and during my last one, this was never an issue or even a conversation and we had similar alone time/together time needs. But really, hes just a weak person who wants to leave his family. If both of you decide to split up as there are no other choice, dont come back on a rebound or using your ex-wifes or ex-partners love as claiming that you may have made a mistake or that you still care about him or her when you find that your new relationship is not what you expected. Men should continue to court their wives as the decades tick by but this should not be turned into servitude by the wives. Wish him well in his new life. Fast forward to almost a year ago when she came back to her home state where I live. Why are they unhappy? My daughters; just like my ex wife are addicted to games, social media and the internet. I do not hate my wife. The investor banker husband who has 20 bicycles and every month a new bicycle is coming. The family can afford the expense, but it angers his wife. Elle found something wonderful with her soul mate and however she got there, thats a beautiful thing! I hate the argument that the new adventure will just settle into the same routine anyway, so why bother? There is no other woman in my life. It's the frustration of what I am facing. I am much more content with my life by myself. Im in a similar situation, but on the other side. At me! What I didnt realize was: I married a partner I had no sexual interest in, but I could have married a partner I had lots of sexual interest in (as I now have). Individuals in marriages that dont last forever may have had years of success together, raised a beautiful family, but the relationship has run its course and one or both are no longer in love. Im lonely, depressed and want to get away. Take responsibility and leave your wife already instead of dragging her though your crisis of conscious. It is a selfish way to behave and react. But making time for your S.O. @evee: thank you, this is the most reasonable comment Ive read from this interesting thread (yes, Im 52yo and Im involved in a deep affair after 25ys of marriage). 2. They continued to do so but thats partly due to the fact that my ex husband and I got real soon after splitting (yes it was really agro at first) realised that we needed to work as a productive team for their sake so got over our power play and have had an excellent business arrangement since! I see Chips point, completely, however I see all sides. Our split was very sudden, so I didnt even have a chance to figure out what it is he really wants. Ok off you go. I call it fantasy, because the newness always wears off. Tldr: gf is too clingy, it's becoming a problem. We do know that long term affairs lasting a year or more, where deep emotional & physical bonds are formed is very real and makes marriage recovery much more difficult and painful. 3. He always says he will make time for me but NOTHING changes. She worked at her marriage too. My soon to be ex left my relationship for another woman. This went on for 3 years. know who you are and what makes you you. I have not been happy, have suffered depression, primarily due to childhood trauma. If Your Boyfriend Doesn't Have Time For You, Do This shame on your spouse to have an affair with your friend which is why i understand, but jumping to another immediately seems somehow irresponsible. It is done without a reason or an explanation from the person doing it. This is about seeking actual help, not finding judgment. Its the unabashed truth that the cheaters dont want to acknowledge. We have no children and have not been intimate for many years (not that I havent tried). I used to do everything for him. I think you need to be heard. He is having a ton of fun going on dates and making love to her. I'm tired of being smothered by my wife trying to prove she loves me, and if I don't do something about it soon, I will lose the opportunity to live the rest of my days in happiness. I have seen the amount vary from $50 to $500, ONeill says. I just turned 30 and been married for 4 years ..and im deciding whether to leave we have two children 11 & 6 i dont know what to do there is to much to explain but my happiness is more important..however how about the kids .im lost. I am unable to do that and told him so and have tried to assist him in ways to make a go of it with his new woman. So stupid. He has spent an inordinate amount of time sneaking around and not putting a scrap of effort into his present relationship with his wife. She cant bear to grow old alone. I know of a girl right now who is still going through counseling after the affair of a parent. Women lose their figures, get stretch marks and go through all types of changes to have children for their husbands (Uummm stretch marks she didnt have before she met him, mind you) so, grow up and think of how youd feel if you today find out youve been replaced for a younger, more beautiful and better educated woman by your so called best friend. And, it solves nothing because one person is simply replaced for another, and the person in crisis never knows who they are on their own. It got interesting. Waking up without makeup, what shes like when shes cranky and irritated. He gave up so much. Dad is a screw up, ruined everything, mom is a saint. Affairs are DEVASTATING. Whats yours? You have only ONE LIFE. It only causes hurt and hopefully, you will have learnt something from it and be a better person. I have been married to my husband for 22 years. She was also my first sexual experience. How to Manage a Budget When Your Spouse is a Spender, Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window). Buster Harsh Truth. Anyway thanks for the reply. Be patient and consistent in your efforts to rebuild the relationship. He was trying to have an adult conversation with me in such a way that I would agree and he could then talk me into us separating peacefully. I am sorry, that was not my intent. If youre looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html. i dont have a mistress and dont even want one but need sex . Me and my wife met about 3 years ago and started dating. Either they were never right for each other to begin with, perhaps stayed together for the kids, or they outgrew each other over the years. 1. When credit card bills rack up and savings dwindle because of one spouses spending habits, heres how to get back on track. My story is a little different. So, they took the first step every expert recommends: They talked about the problem without pointing fingers at each other. Forgive each other and yourself. I then discovered even more hotels and fantasy dates they were on. I was calm, i was an adult, I was willing to shake his hand and accept an apology. By being true to himself, he is allowing his wife to face her own truth, which she, too has been avoiding for years. You stand by your partner in good times and bad, your both a disgrace. He got up every day to get the kids off to school, while she slept in and then she spent most of the day stoned. I knew he loved her before he did. I caught my wife cheating on me about a year and a half ago with a co-worker. My two cents. Take it from those of us who have been forced into living alone and self-introspection by a spouse who suddenly hit the bricks for someone elseuntil you know who you are, what you want, and where you see yourself going, youre no better off with the next version. But who was I kidding? So here I am. Not a leader? I want you to be happy. You would be wise either way to get into individual therapy to heal the hole in your heart youve tried to fill with this other woman. Have you grown closer or further apart? I prefer that he talks to me immediately if he begins to change or finding some things we are having trouble before its too late so we can find ways to improve it. Now we are at a point where she feels so pushed away from me that she does not want to come back. Holidays really suck specially when you have a 7 year old by yourself most the time. Even though I tell him exactly why. Oh dear, the overspending spouse. She told me it would probably been better for the family, Hi, James. I lived in two world, one in real marriage with my husband, we had a happy married, good & romantic couple and adorable kids. It may just fizzle out with your lover and if your wife never knew, then no harm. I hope that you will think twice for any decision that you will decide. GL all. Couples should be encouraged to leave the marriage as soon as possible, because couples should be able to choose one to each other every single night before going to sleep. Girlfriend (F20) wants to spend every minute with me (M21 - Reddit Their ability to trust is gone possibly forever a tremendous loss of innocence as a result of having the very healthy quality of trust exploited. What Im wondering is this, these men seem awfully old and theres are a lot of comments about older men leaving long term marriages and this is very sad. The child free time is a mixed blessing, as I have time to do things by myself but its also a reminder that I am giving up time with my children when I didnt choose this. They say there is no fool like an old fool. I sounds like from so many of these posts, that you chose to roll aroung in the mud, the blood and the beer. I visit my own parents maybe 3-4 times a year and they're 40 minutes drive away. Now Im not putting the blame entirely on her, however, she knew he was married with children and she circled him like a shark for years until he did the same thing youre thinking of doing. The last time I talked to him he told me, Thats my girl. Everything is gone. Why do i need to know who he was? All his stuff is here but he rented a house. First things first - if you've been using this technique and you've just learned that your ex wants to hang out with you, you're doing something right! It came out of nowhere and hit me and the woman like it ton of bricks its real its messy and and its confusing. I could tell how badly he wanted me, his cock was rock hard. The common question Why didnt you tell me you were unhappy? The reality is, change happened so gradually, in some cases over decades, it went unnoticed. I bet your wife also wants the same thing. That was an act of love in itself toward him and that says a lot about you and your genuine love for him. Your neglecting your wife and you know it, stay with her till you die, and abandon this more desirable, more fun and exciting younger woman, and have no more contact with her if you had really high morals, thats my view. I have never cheated on her, nor been abusive (in any form) to her. Until then, please do not reach out to me or talk to me. As a woman I want to applaud you for sharing your story from a smart and sensible point of view. 30 years married, teenage kids in my case . Amen Jen!! May you find peace. The military has statistics that corroborate this. We are both 57 so not dead, shes gone through menopause and wont have intercourse any long because it hurts. You may simply need some time alone to recharge. No one can make a judgement, no one can tell you what to do. later I know this was the second and she was 17 then, the first abortion was at 15). And thats the point I am dancing around here. However, there is another side to infidelity that many people are unaware of or fail toacknowledgethe emotional affair. And before that, marriage was a business transaction to transfer ownership of a woman (girl) from father and husband, primarily to reproduce. She refuses to travel with me for vacations. He cheated years ago when kids were little. Dont think thats fair? He knows he isnt the priority. I could feel his dick getting harder in my mouth. That fantasy might be new sex with a younger man, or the freedom to have easy sex with multiple partners. Im not condoning cheating. Oh the freedom of being free and having a younger wife, how quaint while the older women(same age as the dirt old men who dump them for younger wives) get left rejected and single. Of a productive task completed. Refuse to let either parent try to convince you the other is bad. It stings at first but its new and Im sure hes happy but I know the reality of him in a relationship. I get that. Marc, youre missing a lot of considerations in your post. Hint: Manage your money, not your spouse! You are worth more than that and God loves you. He is often a lost soul and sees a therapist. You obviously have issues with being too impulsive as you said you said you loved your wife after 5 days. Or if bad habits like alcoholism, abuse, or fanatical behavior throw imbalance into the relationship. All you can do truly, is decide how you want to live the rest of your life. What if the man is excited and happy with this new love until the day he dies, doesnt he deserve that? This thread has both consoled and troubled me. Maybe we could be happier in a divorce rather than in a marriage that does not work as it should? You may simply need some time alone to recharge. Cookie Notice Two people got married and it takes two people to make it fail, Im not taking up for your wife or saying its all your fault and maybe shes trying to tell you how you made her feel rather than blaming you. There are multiple people that we can fit with and have chemistry with. People can go a lifetime in this state, never making intentional decisions. Now with kids as older teens she goes to a retail job due to lack of workforce skills and education. Sometimes your 1st marriage is inexperience & practice. Until you do this, all you are doing is asking for a whole lot of pain and confusion for a lot of people, including yourself. Of course marriage ebbs and flows over the years, anybody that has ever been married knows that. My suspicions grew when I happened to see the I miss you and I love you texts going to her phone and I finally lost it. Nothing stays new and exciting forever. Who is this person she keeps texting??? He thought about that overnight and then in the morning he told me. I did not resort to medication or drugs and I continued to work my job every day. Whoever you are, you know that attraction matters right? While Im not suggesting that you are having an affair, you are certainly on a slippery slope, and it is apparent that this friendship is taking a toll on your marriage. Why are you restless? My children all tell me to let her go and stop being a crutch for her to depend on, but I love her and want her to find the happiness she seeks, I however am having to learn how to live alone and it is very difficult. And I made sure I was not going to be part of the statistic of a poverty stricken single mom. Those feelings are telling you your marriage has been unhappy for years. (As well as weeknights, too, I suppose?). 4, lastly, and most importantly. I am ok around him for the children but I wont play family to make him feel better. Wish you the very best. So my mums options for finding a new love are really limited while these middle-aged men (who act like teenagers) can carry on with their selfishness without understanding why its so incredibly unfair. Mourn the break up and then get over it! We strive to write accurate and genuine reviews and articles, and all views and opinions expressed are solely those of the authors. Where does that leave me? I also enjoy spending time with her and try to balance the two. I don't think my experience is unique, but I would enjoy some personalized advice. Now, after 32 . I also know that all the keys are within me; it is not about my wife and it is not about my affair partner. I think i said enough. When its all done, youll be debt-free and on a better path to financial happiness. How Much Time Should Couples Spend Together? | Psychology Today Unfortunately some people, both men and women, get into married life and let themselves go. The golden nugget: I love my ex wife and love is unselfish. But what happens when you step into lukewarm water and slowly turn the heat. Im not a failure. A lot of men talk about how unhappy and bored they are but what about the wife??!! Live with any guilt. Decided he didnt want this live anymore. Such real total losers theyre altogether today unfortunately, compared to the good old days when most women were the very complete opposite of today back then. Its humiliating and Im sorry you have had to put up with this shallow no-good husband of your who has a thing for young beautiful women, hes a love rat and a cheater. I learned I was not as evolved as she was in some areas that were important to her, and I wasnt going to be able to fill that void.. She needed something different and accidentally found it (if thats ever an accident). There were 12 of us and only my wifes father was fidelity though he was very successful in business. She needs to start respecting you and loving you or you will separate. And if you believe, pray. I have told my wife several times that Im just not happy. tl;dr: My wife wants more and more of my free time. So, coming back to the beginning, where is the original sin? And Bill follows his heart & lives his best life whatever that is. I appreciate how hard it is to ask for help and Im really glad you did. Hello, Ill like to know more about your case, as Im in a situation and you are of the few that thatre still active here. 10 things to do when your partner doesn't have time for you You sound smug and over confident about your own marriage. you are cheating on your wife, you are havingn an emotional affair with another woman and you are covering it up with this self help article.
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